my goal with this blog is to give you all a glimpse into the mind of a plus sized lady who also happens to be a FFA and a bit of a gainer/feedee ;)

i will be posting mostly text, but i also hope to share some photos, links and quotes with everyone! although this blog will be mostly fat-centric, i will most likely post some every day stuff that i find interesting :)

- jessica ♥

My Story

This is going to be a long one. Many people have been asking about how I got started gaining, posting, etc etc. I’ve posted before but of course with my leaving, my blog entries were deleted and my story lost. SO I’m going to give you guys as much detail as I can remember!

Before I start, I would like to state a couple of things.

  • I consider my attraction to fat and gaining, a fetish
  • I was BORN with this. I’m not just another fat girl who was too lazy to lose weight and decided to embrace my body or had a boyfriend introduce me to this.

Let’s begin.

As I said above, I was born with this. I can remember paying extra notice to weight gain in cartoons as early as 7 years old (give or take a year). Like a lot of people I’ve heard from, I would stuff my shirt with pillows or blankets to simulate a bigger belly. As a child I was always a bit chubby as well. Also like most people, I payed special attention to cartoons that showed weight gain or inflation. One of the most influential cartoons I can remember was called Hunky and Spunky, the episode was ‘Snubbed by a Snob’ and featured an exaggerated water bloat. I can specifically remember feeling what I now know to be sexual excitement while watching these cartoons.

As I got older, around the pre-teen age, despite my attraction, I was still convinced I needed to lose weight. This lead me to a weight loss sight called Blubber Buster (hah, I know, great name, eh?). The site is actually still up and running if anyone wants to have a look: Anyway, even though I was trying (and being somewhat successful) to lose weight, I couldn’t help but be drawn to the people who were gaining, or the odd person who would post a descriptive paragraph about how fat they used to be and how they didn’t fit their clothes etc, etc.

Now that I was online and starting to figure myself out a bit, my curiosity would get the best of me. Like any novice, I would Google image search “fat” and the like. My search results brought me to Yahoo!Groups. Due to the fact that the FA community is dominated by female models, the majority of the pictures I found were female, and for a long time I thought I was attracted to women. After surfing around groups for a while, I found Dimensions’ Stories. I was quite picky about the ones I read; I liked a LOT of detail that most people just didn’t give. I eventually found this story. That story actually ended up being another big influence to me and helped me realize that it was in fact men that I was attracted to.

I can’t remember exact ages or dates but around… I’d say age 14 or 15, maybe closer to 15, I found, now known as Curvage! The posts I found on there sent me to YouTube and the mass amount of videos available to me. I found I searched mostly men, usually above 250lbs. Tight clothes, button popping and attempts at exercising were some of my favourites. As I mentioned before, there’s a serious lack of male posters out there so I gave in and watched female videos. Again, I generally looked at woman 250lbs+, belly play, tight clothes and button popping. For the record, I was never a fan of eating videos/post-eating videos until later on.

Again, even with my attraction, I was still trying to lose weight. Around age 14/15 I was at about 170lbs, and thanks to gym in grade 9, I got down to about 145lbs.

Almost right after I turned 16 (May 2007) I became interested in posting my own videos, but not gaining (yet!). I believe it was that summer, I posted my first video at about 150lbs. I received very positive feedback and decided to keep posting videos. Why I ended up gaining is a little fuzzy now. I was meeting people and talking to them more personally over IM which helped me start to learn about what I liked and what turned me on. I think the praise I was receiving as well as the natural growing up process gave me the confidence to embrace my body and stop caring about what I ate. As I’ve said many times before, a lot of my gain wasn’t necessarily intentional. I stopped counting calories and just ate what I wanted. What I wanted happened to be fast food and large amounts of cakes and cookies ;) so I gained.

Since I’ve been public from that point until now (minus my absences), you all are mostly well aware of my gain and story from the past three years. Just as a refresher, and keep in mind that MY mind is still a bit blurry on dates and details, here’s a bit of a time line:

  • Summer/Fall 2007 (start) - 150lbs
  • Winter 2007/2008 - 165lbs
  • Spring 2008 - 175lbs
  • Summer 2008 - 185lbs
  • Fall 2008 - 190lbs
  • Winter 2008/2009 - 200lbs
  • Spring 2009 (when I last left) - 220lbs
  • Summer 2010 - ??? ;)

I think that’s about right. You guys probably remember better than I do!

As I’ve gained it’s been a mix of emotions. Sometimes I would get discouraged (like when my family found out everything) and want to lose weight but of course I never did. I also went through other issues during the last three years that weren’t weight related, hence the disappearances. BUT I am happy to report that I have never been more confident in my entire life, nor as excited to gain and be bigger!

You guys are in for a treat ;)